Curse You, Taco Day

Today's post has actually been sitting here in my computer for a few weeks now. I started writing a post about how I both love and hate taco day at work because I love to eat yummy tacos, but I struggle to deal with food temptations because I'm still trying to lose weight. I wasn't able to finish the post and publish it, and as the days passed I found myself beginning to think about the entire history of my relationship with food. It wasn't an overnight occurrence that got me from being a skinny kid to an obese adult, it was a gradual process of developing bad habits that has only been undone by an equally gradual process of self education and discipline that continues now, and always will for the rest of my life.

I have struggled my whole life with food. I've always loved food. The taste, the smell, the texture, everything. Ever since I can remember, my thoughts have revolved around food. When the next time would be that I would eat, what I would eat, how much of it I would be able to get. As a kid, my parents kept my eating habits in check by providing healthy foods and avoiding giving me an excess of sweets and sugary stuff, but whenever I had the opportunity, I found ways to get my hands on those things. Nearly every penny of birthday money and allowance that I got went to buy candy, sweets, junk food and the like. As I got older and more independent, the amount I ate increased exponentially with the freedom I had and the income I received from working, no matter that my parents and other people that cared about me tried to warn me that it wasn't healthy.

From my teenage years and into my adulthood I continued to eat to excess. I ate everything I loved without limitation. I knew the things I was eating weren't "healthy", but I didn't even try to look into nutritional information because I knew it would make me feel guilty about what I was doing, so I avoided it like the plague. Likewise, portion sizes were an unknown concept to me. To me, a portion consisted of the amount of food I could get into myself at any given time until I felt uncomfortable. I didn't just stuff myself at special occasions, I did it every day, every meal, and in between. If there was a super size available, I took it. And more often than not, I added more on top of that. As the years went by, my eating habits caught up with me, and I was incredibly overweight, but I remember being in a kind of denial. I didn't hate myself, I didn't feel guilty, I loved food and eating and didn't think there was anything wrong with me no matter how big I got. I knew all the health risks but put them out of my mind, ignored doctor's advice and went on eating as though there were no consequences.

The first time I was forced to face the health issues of obesity head-on was when I was pregnant with my youngest child. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes in the later months of my pregnancy, and the nutritionist assigned to me put me on a very strict, precise diet to bring my blood sugar levels in line. I had to measure my blood sugar 4 times a day, and despite the diet I was on, I had to inject insulin because my blood sugar levels were still too high. When my daughter was born, I was 50 lbs and 3 sizes smaller than when I had gotten pregnant with her because of the effect of the drastic diet. I should have taken a hint and started to educate myself about nutrition then, but instead I started thinking about how those "mean" doctors had deprived my of my favorite foods, and as soon as my blood sugar levels went back to normal, I told myself it was ok to "indulge", and that it wasn't possible to gain back all of those 50 lbs that I had lost. But it was, and I did. And that was the point I reached two years ago when I realized I had no choice to but to make some changes or face the ultimate consequence of that level of unhealthy living.

It's hard to say the exact moment of truth that started my weight loss journey two years ago. I have touched on some of my motivations in previous posts, and I think it was a combination of things. The "bathroom mirror moment". Being denied life insurance because of my weight. My physical limitations. The heart palpitations, dizziness and shortness of breath. So many factors, so many variables. I was stubbornly able to ignore and deny so many things for so long, but the biggest obstacle was my relationship with food. I've written a lot of posts about my exercise routines, but the real key to my weight loss has been learning about nutrition, and changing my view of food from being a form of entertainment for me, to being the fuel my body needs to function. And it's been hard. As I mentioned above, many of the foods that I enjoy eating also happen to be things that are just really, really, really, really unhealthy when eaten in excess. I love taco day! Which is why I hate it. I want to eat healthy, but find myself constantly challenged by food temptations wherever I go. It's easy to eat healthy when the other options aren't present, but it's a struggle when they are right in front of your face and you have to fight a battle with your own stupid brain to just walk away and not eat something that you know will undo a lot of hard work, just because it tastes so good! If I could go the rest of my life and only have a steady stream of healthy, reasonable foods presented to me, I would be the happiest person on the planet, because I would never have to face my food demons.

I have spent the last two years of my life completely changing the way I view food and eating. I research, read, and experiment. I've learned what carbs are, what they do, and why they are necessary. I've learned the benefits of low-glycemic carbs vs. high-glycemic carbs. I know what protein does, what fiber does, and what vitamins, minerals, and electrolytes do. I've learned what is in different foods, and which foods I should avoid, which I should indulge in, and which I should have but in small amounts. I read ingredient lists and nutritional information panels, I know to scrutinize serving sizes and do math in my head to calculate the real information and not the numbers the companies want you to see. I know to ignore the front of labels, to avoid prominently displayed store displays and to never buy anything just because it says "healthy" "whole grain" "fat free" "gluten free" "low carb" "high protein" or whatever the trendy health buzz-word of the week is. There is an entire industry out there preying on people like me, who want to eat healthy but struggle to find the healthy options that provide the equivalent of the good feelings our former unhealthy favorites gave us. Thankfully, there are enough companies and organizations out there that really do want to help people succeed, the trick is learning to tell the legit from the fakers, and finding enough healthy replacement options to keep you on track when those really tough temptations come calling.

My relationship with food will always be a struggle for me. I will always want to eat too much of things I shouldn't, even though I am now fully aware of the detrimental effects they can have on my health. I will continue to try diligently to eat properly, while knowing that I am not perfect and will occasionally fail in this effort. I will not beat myself up over a temporary indulgence and will refuse to see such indulgence as an indicator of permanent failure. I know that I have come too far and learned too much to go back to my old ways. I still have a ways to go to reach my final weight loss goal, and each morning I wake up, I prepare myself to face the oncoming onslaught of food temptations and discouraging thoughts that I know are coming my way. But I am confident of my ability to finally and permanently beat this thing and live the life I was meant to have, healthy and strong. And no matter how many Taco Tuesday I have to endure, I know I can do it because I've already come this far.

Thank you again for reading! If you enjoy my posts, please feel free to repost on Facebook, send to friends, etc. I hate to ask but I'm trying to find an audience beyond my 12 or so devoted readers here, so please pimp me out to your friends if you think they will be encouraged.
Until next time...